What's Your Story? The Value and Pitfalls of the Stories We Tell Ourselves

It's My Story

We'd been listening to Donny talk about his travels and somewhere along the way we had become suspicious that not everything he was telling us corresponded with the facts. One of us finally asked him if what he had just said was true.

Donny was Irish and his eyes twinkled as he smiled and said, "It's my story."



We realized then that Donny was weaving a tale; the point was not what had or hadn't happened, but what the telling told us about him, his imagination, and his desire to entertain.

While Donny was quite aware that he was creatively interpreting the facts, most of the time we aren't as cognizant of our overlaying what is with our interpretations of what is. Given that we are often unconscious of our mental frameworks and assumptions, we can also be unaware that we project them onto the world in our attempt to make sense of it. This projection becomes our story about reality, only we don't always realize that it is just that, a story.

After awhile, we may deliberately or unintentionally modify our story while telling it to others. (Honestly, the fish was THIS big!) And not only do we recreate stories for ourselves and others, studies in neuroscience indicate that every time we remember our story, it changes yet again. Even if we wanted "the facts, and nothing but the facts," it seems that this may be difficult to impossible for us to produce. One way to think of our stories about the world is to see them as shells that are built up over time, layer by layer. With each memory and with each telling, another thin veneer is added. What we know is only the most recent version of the story (which should come as no surprise to some couples!)

The Good, the Bad, and the Choice

On the positive side, stories do help us make sense of what is going on. Stories provide coherence for life's events and can explain how things are related. Each culture has its shared stories which help us feel connected and free us from having to explain and negotiate absolutely everything. Spend some time in a place or with a person that doesn't share your stories and see how much you rely on shared stories for ease and well being.

Stories are also very helpful—some would say essential—when we are trying to communicate with others. They are an elegant and effective way to make ideas meaningful and memorable. For example, you can try to explain democracy or you can tell a story about a family that moved from an undemocratic culture to a more democratic one and how their life changed. Chances are the first accounting will be dry and uninspiring, whereas the chronicle of their journey will be more impactful and stick with the listener.

On the other hand, stories aren't the truth. If we cling to them like they are, then we can be blind to other realities, including the truth about ourselves. In this way our stories can limit us and preclude opportunities for learning and growth. Some of our stories can entrap us in world of few positive possibilities. We can be blind to alternatives, solutions, and options that are right in front of our noses because they just don't fit our story.

Paul Hawken, green entrepreneur and author, talks about his family's accepted history. Believing they were descended from Swiss and other relatively dour northern Europeans, he tended to think of himself as an uptight white guy. Later in life he had a DNA test which revealed a lot more variety in his family tree. Suddenly a whole new set of self-perceptions emerged as he contemplated the tangos and hot chilies that were part of his heritage. He said he found this reshaping of his family's story liberating and he began to feel other possibilities and proclivities open to him. In this same way we can all create future possibilities for ourselves when we consciously choose what constitutes our story.

We are all Storytellers

Like Donny we are all crafting the tales we tell ourselves and others. By becoming more aware of this, we can begin to choose how we craft our story. We can begin by noticing the patterns in the tales we tell, what we leave out, what we emphasize, our tone of voice, choice of words, etc. In some cases we may be able to separate ourselves from our stories so that they no longer define us quite so completely. As we become more open to new input, even that which challenges or contradicts our story, our awareness of ourselves and the world will expand. Hopefully, we can use this awareness to create more positively affirming stories that acknowledge difficult realities as well as the possibilities beyond them. This expansion not only applies to our stories, but it can be used to deepen how we take note of what others are telling us. We can listen with an ear to what the story says about the speaker and their view of what it means to be human and live in the world. And in moments of grace and clarity, we may even begin to see what is.

Explore

A good place to start is by listening to the stories of others. What are they telling you about themselves? What do they want? What are their assumptions about themselves and the world? How do their stories contradict or confirm your beliefs about them, the world, yourself?

When it's appropriate, create a deep listening space that gives others permission to go to more profound levels with their story. You can do this by asking a series of follow up questions. Alternatively, you can invite someone to tell you something over the course of an hour or so. We once spent a long car trip giving each person one hour to tell their life story.

Experiment

Write a "true" story about yourself casting yourself in different roles in each version. Tell the story as if you are the victim, the hero, and then a neutral third party. Is one voice more comfortable for you than another? How does your own voice vary from one version to another? What impact do these different stories have on you as you read them?


Happy Tales to You!

Beth and Eric

This monthly slow blog essay is from Beth Meredith and Eric Storm of Create The Good Life.

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